Sunday, April 27, 2014

Mercy

Mercy is the one word that I feel that has been showered upon me the past few weeks.  I think of how now, looking back, I can see God's wonderful plan and all-knowing understanding.  In the midst of it I couldn't see it, I rather saw judgement and the question of "why" would reign through my mind.  However, as the storm passes - we are able to see clearer and such was the case in this time in my life.

Just knowing that God purposed to save my life, let me know that He isn't finished with me yet.  He could have let me die, yet He chose rather to work things together to let me live.  In the back of my mind I've had an unsettling fear that God wasn't pleased with me for some past mistakes I made.  Every time things came up with my health, I felt the impending "judgment" of God upon me and assumed I was being punished.  It is just something that I've battled with in my mind for many years but I'm here to let the devil know that God wiped away all of that this past few weeks.  He has torn down the halls of this doomful prison that Satan would whoop me with and He has shown me His incredible mercy and love.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately on how many years ago I let someone influence me to be a certain way that took away my sweet, loving and merciful spirit.  I've worked for the past few years erasing all of their influence in my life and cultivating what once was and bringing it back to life again.  I've found that you can be so greatly influenced by someone that you will forget yourself and then you wake up one day and realize that you are ugly inside.  Then and only then, does the truth stare back at you and you have a choice to make - be bitter or be better!

I've grown to be a very merciful person and my compassion for people has grown so intensely that my heart yearns for anyone in need, sick or hurt or in a sad situation.  I want to do more for others than just feel for them - I want to be God's hands and feet and mouth to help them.  I've always been this way but for a few years I let an evil influence drown out my mercy and love in the name of being right.

James 2:13
For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment.


Clarke commentary says:

A merciful man rejoices rather in opportunities of showing mercy, than in acting according to strict justice.

My joy is in being able to give others mercy when they have wronged me, I don't rather wish they would be punished.  I remember forgiving a lady that spread rumors and gossip about me in my church.  She was very smug as I asked her to forgive me for offending her.  However, 8 months later, she told me that I was bigger than she was to say I was sorry and that I had nothing to be sorry for, she had been wrong and she apologized to me.  She eventually left my church because others were not so merciful to her for what she had done and other things she had done.  I'm not rejoicing she is in sin now but some people seem to feel an unrighteous praise that she got what was coming to her.  They have the wrong spirit and in due time, they too will be returned for their unmerciful ways.

Take note of this my friends - as Pastor Olson has said so many times, stay sweet in your soul!

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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Appendix and Gallbladder Gone

What a crazy past 2 months, first I had a miscarriage and then I had 5 hours of vomiting and pain and found out my gallbladder wasn't functioning.  My surgery was scheduled for next week but then came a terrible pain in my lower right hip area.  The on-call doctor said to go to the ER, so I did and was crying, screaming and so embarrassed when they wheeled me in because I was a mess and couldn't stop crying and shaking.

They believed I was having appendicitis but after a CT scan, they said it looked ok and then called my surgeon in the middle of the night to see if it was ok for the ER emergency surgeons to remove my gallbladder.  My surgeon said he could possibly do it himself in a few hours, so they discharged and sent me home with drugs.  My surgeon told us to come in the morning and started the operation to take out the gallbladder but he saw that I was having appendicitis and so he removed both - appendix and gallbladder.

Then....I had a severe reaction to the anesthesia, it was the hardest part of it all for me.  I kept on vomiting and the pain was through the roof but all the meds they had wouldn't work.  So he admitted to the local hospital and I still couldn't stop vomiting even with all the meds they gave me to stop it and nothing was helping the pain until they came to this one medication that worked.  Everything I tried to eat came back up and I couldn't even drink water.

My pastor and his wife came to see me and prayed on me and from that point on I got a touch from God!!  I finally was able to eat and drink small portions and didn't throw up and I started feeling better!!!  I also was able to finally get out of bed and walk for a bit.  I'm still not out of the danger zone yet but it is going that way and hopefully by tomorrow I can be discharged and go home with the pain meds.

Good thing I got my gallbladder out because not only was it almost dead, it had a lot of scar tissue - meaning, the man that assaulted me at 18 did indeed injure it because from then on I had right upper quadrant pain for years.  So glad it is gone and also glad that they were able to stop my appendix before it ruptured, potentially killing me!  The surgeon said it was so full of stuff it was about burst.  He saved my life!  Thankful for God helping me through this and a close friend has been there for me by helping with my kids and my house!

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Scratch That - Gallbladder is Coming Out

Well, I deleted the last post in that I was going with my plan on eating very low fat and trying to hope that my gallbladder will get better.  Even though I've stayed under 15 grams of fat (most of the time less than that) a day - I've been in a lot pain the past 2 days and it keeps increasing.  We met with the surgeon today and he said it was a greater risk for me to leave my gallbladder in my body.  It isn't even doing its job and will lead to gangrene and possibly death if left in there. 

Also, because I'm losing weight so rapidly, that will harm not only my gallbladder but my liver and many other things.  I'm eating a lot of carbs and can't eat much protein or fat - this isn't good long-term for my body.  I also need fat, to go so low just to keep my gallbladder will only cause me to create other problems in my body from lack of proper fatty acids.  I also can't absorb vitamins A, D, E and K because of the bile not being released and also because I'm not eating enough fat with those vitamins.

It seems that the risk is far greater if I keep it, than if I don't.  Plus, my husband and I prayed and we feel God is leading us to do this.  For whatever reason, God knows.  This may not even end my pain but it is the first step in trying to get rid of an organ that is dying.

Thank you for the prayers and comments!!

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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Chronic Acalculous Cholecystitis Gallbladder Disease

Yes that title is my official diagnosis that I got today.  I had a HIDA scan and they found that my gallbladder is actually not even working.  It won't release the bile and we watched it sit in there for almost 2 hours and not empty, though at the time I didn't know that was an issue.  My doctor called today to have me come in and I knew that meant it wasn't good news.

There are no gallstones, no sludge, no obstructions of any kind - just that my gallbladder decided to up and die.  Usually very sick people (cancer, HIV, terminally ill, etc.) get this or those who were injured in an accident or during a major surgery.  Me?  Well, they have no idea why I have it and there is nothing I can do to make it start working again - or at least science hasn't advanced enough to find a way.  The doctor said it has to go.

This type of gallbladder disease doesn't come from fatty food supposedly, if I had a problem eating too much of the bad foods, I would develop gallstones or other things.  That is good to know at least.  Now, I can't eat fat, or at least stay around 3 grams or less a meal and I've done this for a week and guess what?  I've lost 8 pounds!  See, there is my silver lining in all this!

I don't really have an appetite most of the time, I feel full before I even eat, which is strange.  I also can't eat much before I feel like I will explode, so all this is helping with the weight loss aspect.  If I was to eat a high-fat item, I will most likely be vomiting and end up in the ER again with pain and have to get it removed it right away.  So......my life sort of depends on not eating fat and when it comes down to that, you find your motivation to keep your diet!!

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Sunday, April 6, 2014

Organizing Papers Into One Filing Cabinet

I've been decluttering and simplifying a lot of things in my life lately - everything from deleting some blogs I had, to things around the home.  One of the things that bother me is our paper situation.  We have papers all over the house in different places and storage bins.  There is a small cabinet here and then a a file box there and then a pile here and on and on.  I decided that it was worth the money to buy a large filing cabinet to condense everything down into ONE location.

This will eliminate a lot of other filing areas and thus open up more space in those areas and add more things to our increasing yard sale pile we got going on for this summer.  I found the size, color and style of the filing cabinet I wanted at Office Max, it was the cheapest price as shipping was free (and it arrived fast) and it came with a FREE utility tote bag that I just love!  I also ordered 100 colorful hanging file folders because I love my color!

The picture got cut off, but this is a 4-drawer filing cabinet.





The file cabinet fits like it was made to go between the bookshelf and the kitchen counter and now I wonder how did I go this long without one of these?  I can't wait to organize it and do all my files, it is definitely a project that will take a while but it is another step toward simplifying my life a little bit more.

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Saturday, April 5, 2014

Update On Me

I had severe pain in my right side late Wednesday night and then woke up through the night feeling sick and what I thought was my old liver pain coming back.  I ended up with 5 hours of vomiting, fever and chills before I realized this was just not normal and not the flu - so a friend, that had come by to help me, called 911.  Thankfully, I got a room right away and tests done quickly, they also were able to stop my vomiting and gave me the strongest pain killer I've ever had but still didn't take the pain away completely.

It was my gallbladder.  However, I have NO gallstones - it is something called acalculous gallbladder, which is basically an inflamed gallbladder without gallstones usually found in very sick people. Well, I'm not a very sick person or at least I hope not!  I did have the miscarriage just a month ago almost to the day, so they did some tests about that too.  They sent me home with pain meds and anti-nausea meds and I've been in a lot of pain the past few days.  I will be seeing my doctor on Monday and seeing what tests he wants to do and the possibility of removing my gallbladder.

I've thought I've had gallstones for a few years actually, I would get a pain in my side after eating junk food, and would take apple cider vinegar and it would help and I would go on and be ok.  However, this time, it was pretty extreme and the vomiting was the worst in my life, I'm still sore in my ribs and it has almost been 3 days since!  I was surprised that I have no gallstones, it just doesn't make sense to me and all that I've read on this talks about trauma like a car accident injuring the gallbladder, seriously ill people or injury after a major surgery.

I honestly thought a lot of my health issues had ended because my last c-section showed the problems inside my body and they fixed it all.  I'm not sure what caused my miscarriage and then this gallbladder issue but praying my doctor is able to get to the bottom of it and hopefully spare my organ!

God knows and He is there.......He has brought me through so much and everything is going to be ok!

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