Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Where Do I Go From Here?

This past miscarriage was the hardest I've ever experienced because it was the only one of the 5 I've had that I had seen the baby, seen it move and heard its heartbeat three times over several weeks.  I thought I was in the safe zone and I admit I took it for granted.  I felt like I was detached from my body in the first 24 hours or so.  My doctor noticed this but didn't say anything until today.  Some people experience that initial shock and numbness and disassociate themselves from the trauma and that is what happened to me and now I realize that.

It did finally hit me and I've been grieving very hard experiencing a pain that I've never gone through.  I've read a lot and though it hurt, it helped too.  I talked a lot with my husband and that has been helping in the process.  I went through guilt and blame thinking I did this somehow by not eating enough or taking tylenol when I had the flu or doing too much, etc.  That is normal too from what I read and was told.  I also felt like I was being punished for something from God - and that is even a normal feeling in this type of loss.

So comes the question of where do I go from here?  It is hard to have hope again but I know that one day it will come back.  I had thought this was my "sign" or whatever from God that I just can't have babies anymore but my husband does not believe so and doesn't want me to close the door on future children.  My doctor already did a lot of tests and we will have more tests soon on my recurrent miscarriage issue.

I try and think of the future and it is hard as all my dreams for this year revolved around this baby coming.  Focusing on my husband, children and home again is helping me and I'm slowly immersing myself back into my life.  I know one thing for sure - I wouldn't want to go through this without God!  As a friend of mine added today, she wouldn't want to go through even life without God and that is so true!!  Thank you readers for your prayers and support, I appreciate it and am thankful for each one of you!!

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8 comments:

tealady said...

I was going to say the same...GOD. He is the only one who knows why you lost the baby.It is not for us to understand why but instead know he knows why.

I can't even know what you are feeling because I never had any loss after I had my son.I just want you to know that you are in my prayers and that God only gives us only what he knows we can handle.Hang in there you have so many people behind you and care for you.

HealthyLiving4Him.wordpress.com said...

Bless your hearts!!!

You and your family are in my prayers. We lost two sweeties and each one was difficult beyond words. I am so sorry for your loss of such sweet babies. Just as ours...yours are in heaven waiting one day to meet you all. I always think of my two girls with the Lord and my Grandmother is loving them as much as she loved us when she was here on this earth. It was initially difficult to even breath at times. But as the Lord is always so faithful and steady....I found breath again....and you all will as I know you know this.

His plans are not always our plans and knowing His are perfect was the constant trust I learned minute by minute, day by day. Keep looking to Jesus and He will guide you. Col. 3:2. He will never leave or forsake you. Hebrews 13:5. He loves each of you so very much. John 3:16 He has great plans for the future of your family and He will guide each of you. Prov. 3:5-6

Hugs, prayers and love....k

Christian Homekeeper said...

Thank you both so much!!! ;-) Tonight is the hardest night it feels like, I do feel like I can't breath at times. Needing all the prayers and thankful for them!!

DeNiece Barnes said...

My dear sweet sister like all of the others have said as well as yourself God is and has been with you the whole time. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have had several losses of precious little ones over the years due to miscarriagess and I understand have your feeling. God knows what is best for us even when we don't understand it our selves. I just thank God for your husband even though he as well experienced this lost he was there to let you know that weeping endure a night but joy cometh in the morning. My prayer is that God will continue to stand with you all doing this difficult time and soon and very soon he will heal the womb and allow another little one to be born. Beverly please know that Cedric and I are praying for you all.

Twocans said...

God's strength and comfort will get you through the darkest of days, and it's in those times that you realize just how precious he is to you...

Christian Homekeeper said...

Thank you so much DeNiece and tell you husband the same! Last night was by far the hardest and I even woke crying this morning. My husband's boss has been so wonderful to us and even gave him several days of bereavement pay, thank God!! I needed him here with me and God worked it out.

Thank you as well Twocans for always being there! :-)

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to see how you are doing? We are thinking and praying for you and your family.

Christian Homekeeper said...

Anonymous - thank you SO much for praying for us! I'm doing ok - still crying everyday and wishing this was a nightmare that I'm going to wake up from but I know it isn't. I feel the prayers - that is all that is carrying me through this is God's help.

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