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What This Pregnancy Did For Me

Throughout this pregnancy, there were so many times we didn't know if Zach was still alive or not, but each time God showed His mighty hand and Zach was there and well.  I feel like the past 9 months were some of the most difficult I've had in recent years and I'm glad they are over but there was so much God did for me through the struggle that I wanted to share.

It was the hardest pregnancy I've ever had and we found out why at the birth, which I will explain later.  I suffered with a contracting uterus from September all through till the end, I'm talking labor contractions - that they couldn't explain but showed up at the hospital as regular and strong so many times.  It was misery and I didn't understand why I had to suffer so but I made it through!  I also had either 5 or 6 infections, even I lost count lol - and the antibiotics were not fun to be on so many times.  Because of my struggle, some people made hurtful comments to me about how bad I wanted this and I got it.  May God forgive them and grant them compassion was all I could seem to pray - though I wanted to pray other things lol, I just couldn't understand their motive behind their words.  So dealing with the pain and stupid people was difficult, but God helped me through it all!

I was able to work out a lot of fear in myself through this pregnancy and collapse into the hands of God in faith and trust.  Each trial, each pain, each complication......only made me stronger in God in trusting Him and only squashed fear over and over again.  I would say that fear was my biggest vice - I can only imagine it is from a past of abuse and questions as to "why" God allowed what He did and/or does.  It isn't that I didn't have the faith that God could heal - I do - it is that I knew that sometimes God allows things to happen and I was afraid of what He might allow.  I would claim this pregnancy as a victory in my personal growth, though I still have work to do in that department, I've definitely conquered a lot with God's help.

This conquering of fear took me all the way to the surgery room - where I felt as though I was totally surrendered into the hands of God and whatever happened, whatever He allowed, I was ready to accept.  I felt calm and peaceful and even looked for the fear within myself and couldn't find it.  God truly blessed and I will share my birth story in the next post.