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Where Do I Go From Here?

This past miscarriage was the hardest I've ever experienced because it was the only one of the 5 I've had that I had seen the baby, seen it move and heard its heartbeat three times over several weeks.  I thought I was in the safe zone and I admit I took it for granted.  I felt like I was detached from my body in the first 24 hours or so.  My doctor noticed this but didn't say anything until today.  Some people experience that initial shock and numbness and disassociate themselves from the trauma and that is what happened to me and now I realize that.

It did finally hit me and I've been grieving very hard experiencing a pain that I've never gone through.  I've read a lot and though it hurt, it helped too.  I talked a lot with my husband and that has been helping in the process.  I went through guilt and blame thinking I did this somehow by not eating enough or taking tylenol when I had the flu or doing too much, etc.  That is normal too from what I read and was told.  I also felt like I was being punished for something from God - and that is even a normal feeling in this type of loss.

So comes the question of where do I go from here?  It is hard to have hope again but I know that one day it will come back.  I had thought this was my "sign" or whatever from God that I just can't have babies anymore but my husband does not believe so and doesn't want me to close the door on future children.  My doctor already did a lot of tests and we will have more tests soon on my recurrent miscarriage issue.

I try and think of the future and it is hard as all my dreams for this year revolved around this baby coming.  Focusing on my husband, children and home again is helping me and I'm slowly immersing myself back into my life.  I know one thing for sure - I wouldn't want to go through this without God!  As a friend of mine added today, she wouldn't want to go through even life without God and that is so true!!  Thank you readers for your prayers and support, I appreciate it and am thankful for each one of you!!