Thursday, October 16, 2014

Surrender

There is a place called surrender, where you realize that you can't control things and that you may not even understand WHY things happen or why God allowed it.  Thankfully, I've had some understanding after tragedy, to grasp ahold of God's all-seeing eye and wisdom, to help me surrender.  I could go through a long list of traumas in my life but I will spare you (at least in this post LOL!) and share the most recent one back in March.

I was pregnant in March and so happy that God had given me another child that the last thing on my mind was miscarriage.  I remember cooking up some homemade peanut butter cups and then having an attack of severe pain down there that got so bad and didn't stop.  We ended up going to the ER as the on-call OB thought maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy.  Thankfully, it wasn't an ectopic but I did have a miscarriage.

I remember crying so hard for days and this was also a time when the founder of our church had died.  I became so depressed and asked God why.  I remember thinking that God hated me, it must have been something I did in the past or maybe I was just a throw away.  A few weeks later I started having really bad pain that sent me to ER and after testing we found out my gallbladder had quit working and I needed it removed.

During the surgery to remove my gallbladder, they found that my appendix was full and about to burst and they removed that too.  It was after that, that I realized that God knew all of this was coming - had I been pregnant and the surgeon not have been able to see my appendix or even do a surgery - I would have died.

God saved my life.  He orchestrated everything to save me.  That, combined with other things in the past, brought me to the place of surrender.  I realized that God can see things we can not see in the future and sometimes we will NEVER understand WHY until we get to heaven.

This pregnancy is still very early and I had severe pain last night in the middle of the night that I felt like I was going to die.  It was in my c-section incision on the inside and was excruciating.  I surrendered and I told God that He knows all and to please save my life.  If it means taking the baby, then so be it, I know that God knows what He is doing.  If this pregnancy doesn't last, I will take that as God's way of telling me I'm unable to have anymore children.  However, I don't feel that is the case - I feel that I will carry this child on to the end and it will be victorious.  I'm at the place of surrender - God is in full control and I know that He knows all and sees all, He has my best interest in mind! 

Don't let sorrow fill you if you are sick or if you are barren and don't understand why.  Realize that God knows more than you and surrender to His will and wisdom.  Farther along we'll know about it, farther along we'll understand why.....as the song goes.  Total surrender is the way to win and bring peace to your life!

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