Thursday, February 5, 2015

Thoughts on My 2nd Trimester Miscarriage Loss

I was 18 weeks pregnant when I found out that our baby had died many weeks before.  The size of the baby was measuring 11w 5dy, but they said that they shrink, so there is really no way of knowing the exact time it died inside of me.  Estimations are that it died in the 14th week, which was around New Year's and then spent the month of January shrinking back to the size it was when we found out.  I was just 4 days away from finding out the gender, though I really thought it was a boy, we just will never know.  We were going to call the baby Kyle for a boy or possibly Emma for a girl, so we named it Kyma since we don't know.

That image on the ultrasound is not only imbedded in my head - they gave us a copy of it (because I requested it.)  I knew when I saw it on the screen that it just didn't look right.  My baby's body was curled up and it was so small, not moving and there was no heartbeat.  Even though I knew the baby was probably not alive, I wasn't ready to know that not only was it dead, my body kept it in there for so long, it just didn't want to let go.  I didn't want to let go but once they saw it was possibly in there for 6 weeks, they had to rush it out of me.

I kept thinking maybe it was just asleep really good and curled up.  Maybe they were wrong and its heart was beating and they just didn't put the wand on the right spot.  "Are you sure it is dead!?" I said over and over again.  Maybe God could raise it from the dead, should we pray?  Even after they took it out, I would put my hands on my stomach and pray for God to put it back in there.

No one told me that if I had been induced, I could have held it and buried it.  No one told me that I could have requested the same after the D&C.  No one told me I could have its body tested to find out if the reason it died was something it had wrong.  No one told me that they might miss part of the pregnancy in the D&C and I would pass it at home.  No one told me that I was in shock and that intense feeling of grieving would come over me when I came back to reality.  No one prepared me for the feelings I would feel about God.

There are so many questions, regrets, emotions - my life is a blur.  I didn't even feel God for a week, it was as though He wasn't there.  I felt like discarded baggage by a God I thought always wanted good things for me.  How was this good?  How could God let a woman in Lake Stevens, WA have 3 children and abuse them and leave them locked up in a house with no heat or food and feces everywhere and let my baby die?  Why didn't God stop it?  Why didn't God heal the baby if something was wrong with it?  Was God unable to stop it?  Do things just happen to us and God doesn't have control?  Is it worth praying if things are just going to happen?  Does God love me?

Psalm 42:3
My tears have been my meat day and night....

God, you know I would have loved this baby.  You know I would have raised it up in Your Word.  You know me God!  However, I know that you can love it more than me and my baby is with You forever and I will see Kyma one day.  Heaven got so much sweeter and my longing for it, so much more intense.

Christian Homekeeping © All Rights Reserved.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

My prayers go out for you and your family. May God comfort you during this unimaginable time.

Christian Homekeeper said...

Thank you so much for the prayers anonymous!

DeNiece Barnes said...

Praying and loving on you from the east coast my dear friend and sister.((((((((PRAYS and HUGS)))))))

Tricia said...

Bev,
I am so sorry for your loss! May you find comfort in knowing I am praying for you!

Christian Homekeeper said...

Thank you DeNiece & Tricia - my dear blog friends! :) I love you guys!!

Anonymous said...

Praying that our Lord brings you peace and comfort!

Sodagirl65

Christian Homekeeper said...

Thank you so much Sodagirl65! ;-)

Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Be advised I do not approve comments that have profanity, advertisements, or rude behavior.

If you find yourself disagreeing a lot with what I say, then maybe you should check your intentions for reading and remove me from your favorites.